Watching Trump and Vance bully Zelensky at the White House today stirred some thoughts. Ukrainian President Zelensky came with the intention of signing a deal — offering rare earth resources in exchange for renewed American support in Ukraine’s defense against Putin’s invasion. When Zelensky said, “Putin has repeatedly broken ceasefire agreements. If we agree to another ceasefire, we need U.S. security guarantees,” JD Vance suddenly jumped in when he heard bad mouth about Putin, egging Trump on to humiliate Zelensky. Trump, ever the reactionary, took the bait immediately, putting America’s political depravity on full display for the world’s media. The meeting ended in bitter failure.
English is not Zelensky’s first language and he insisted on using it to pay respect to the hosts, but he lost the argument. Trump and Vance went on an English spree and wouldn’t let him speak. If Zelensky’s English was good enough, he would have insulted them to their faces by saying, “You speak English because it’s the only language you know. I speak English because it’s the only language you know. We are different.
Trump wants to dismantle American democracy and rule for life—his ambitions are well known as of Jan 6, 2021. He knows that no Western leader will ever support his power grab, but those leaders who oppose the West will support him. Thus, there’s strategic value in playing Putin’s lapdog.
JD Vance, desperate to prove his worth, has learned a lesson from Mike Pence’s near-lynching. He has decided that being a lapdog’s lapdog is the safer bet. Being a principled Vice President? That’s a dangerous game. But being a squared lapdog, obedient not just to Trump but to Trump’s true master — Putin — that’s a long-term survival strategy.
Then there’s Marco Rubio — the self-proclaimed hawkish hardliner against Putin. By now, he too must understand his role: a cubed lapdog.
And so it continues. Each tier of American diplomacy scrambles to grovel before the one above it, forming a polynomial lapdog space, generated by the nonlinear basis {1, lapdog, squared lapdog, cubed lapdog, …, nth-power lapdog}.
Thus, the sum total of this system is nothing more than a linear combination of nonlinear lapdogs — simple to compute, yet expressive enough to accommodate every conceivable variety of bootlicker. In fact, with the right machine learning optimizations, the space could be expanded to algorithmically generate the ideal sycophant for any given scenario.
And at the center of it all, presiding over this fractal hierarchy of servitude, stands Putin himself — not just as the benevolent patriarch, the Tsar, the ultimate alpha male, the savior of the Russian people, but also as the master of lapdogs, the master of squared lapdogs, the master of cubed lapdogs… all the way up to the nth-power lapdog master. If we were to visualize Putin’s lapdog structure, it would resemble a fractal — the deeper you look, the more lapdogs appear, endlessly replicating, each one scrambling to inch closer to the master’s knees.
And in this grand White House performance, only one person does not belong to the polynomial lapdog space: Zelensky. He is the only one who came with a real mission, with genuine responsibility. His negotiating partners, on the other hand, exist only in a mathematical sense — as entities tending toward the infinite limit of licking Putin’s boots.
At the end of mathematics lies philosophy. And at the end of philosophy, there is Putin, stroking his infinite-order lapdogs. His original goal was to occupy Kiev, but he didn’t expect to occupy the White House accidentally.
